Twilight: Breaking (off a piece of) Dawn

Me: Oh youse a naughty little monkey
Cookie:
Me: I want to wrap my teeth around your flesh so bad
Cookie:
Me: Let’s role play. I’ll be Edward, you be Bella.
(Bite)
Me: *swoon* Let’s make vampire human babies

There are cookies…and then there are cookies that are so good, that they can actually inspire a Twilight-themed human/baked good sexual fantasy. This is one of those cookies:

Now anyone who knows me, knows that I love sweets. To explain my love for sweets is like asking Sarah Palin to explain why she went back after she tried black. There’s just no explanation.

Now I don’t claim to know a lot of things in life. In fact, a lot of times, I’ll try to fool people into thinking I’m smart by dropping words like “consolidate” and “therefore” into my everyday conversations. Truth is though, there’s a lot of things that I know absolutely nothing about. Make-up is one of those things. The location of useless states like Arkansas is one of those things. What possessed me to lick my mosquito bite just now…also one of those things.

But if there’s one thing I know, it’s this: Do you see this bite?

THIS WAS PROBABLY THE BEST BITE OF COOKIE I’VE EVER HAD IN MY ENTIRE LIFE. Real talk.

Words can not describe how delicious this bite was. It was thin. It was crispy. It was chipless and unadulterated. Ingesting it was one of the happiest moments of my life.

I have a feeling that when I’m at the ripe age of 70 and I look back at the life I lived,  I’m pretty sure that I’ll forget some precious moments. Its just bound to happen. Precious moments like the first time my firstborn sucked my teat, or the first time I pushed a fetus out of my uterus. But one thing is for sure, I will never forget this moment. Twas the moment that I took the first bite of the best chocolate chip cookie I’ve ever eaten.

Because people fade, but cookies last forever.

Until you poop them out.

City Bakery
3 W 18th St
(between 5th Ave & Avenue Of The Americas)
New York, NY 10011

I want your Tinkerbell

I know I’ve got some ‘splaining to do. You’re mad at me, I get it. I’d be upset too. But rather than sit here, and try and convince you to forgive me for my extended leave of absence, instead, I’m just going to ignore your feelings and show you naughty pictures of donuts. Because that’s how I deal with all conflicts in life.

So you know that paragraph up there? Well, to be completely honest, I actually started writing it at 11AM. But then, right after typing up those two first sentences, I got a hunger pang; a pang so fiery, that the only way to quell said pang was by filling my insides with this:

A phallic shaped glazed chinese sausage. Now I know it may not look like much, but hey, that’s what they said about Gary Coleman. The difference between Gary Coleman, and this red velvet cruller from Peter Pan Donuts though, is that Gary Coleman’s insides probably don’t look like this:

Or has magical pockets of glaze like this:

But if it just so happens that he does, well then, it’s slice and dice time. I call the bottom 2.25 feet.

To be truthfully honest though, while I definitely thought that this was a good donut, I wouldn’t say it was a great donut. This might have been because I got the cruller form of the red velvet rather than the donut form. Or because I wasn’t able to taste the red velvet flavor of the donut, like, at all. Or because the bright red color of the donut’s insides reminded me too much of the shedding of my uterus lining. Who knows.

What I do know though, is that this donut was only a dollar. Do you know what that means? Instead of getting your face smacked with a set of breasties from a single mother named Destiny, you could be delighting your insides with this donut. Cause I don’t know about you, but $1 donut > breast sweat on face. Think about it.

Peter Pan Donut & Pastry Shop
727 Manhattan Ave
Brooklyn, NY 11211

Damn you BLF jar. Bless you banana pudding.

Whoops.

I know I said I was going to update you every Saturday on the contents of the BLF jar, but after seeing how much was actually in the jar, I became overwhelmed with a feeling of both shame and shame. With that said, there will be no BLF jar picture for this week. If you want a visual though, just imagine how much money it’d take to afford one day’s worth of Lindsay Lohan’s coke habit; and I’m not talking about the cola kind.

So what exactly happened between last Saturday and today to explain my excessive contributions to the jar of Salvation-Army-will-soon-be-your-friend-Sarah-after-this-experiment-is-done? Free Shipley donuts at work on Friday is what happened. Margaritas and 16 plates of tapas on Friday is what happened. This Magnolia knock-off banana pudding is what happened:

Now if you’ve been keeping up with my chronicles, you should already know that Magnolia’s banana pudding is one of the top three items I’d someday like to bathe in; a tub of chocolate and Justin Timberlake’s used bath water being the other two. So you can only imagine my delight and surprise when I came across this recipe; and by delight and surprise, what I really mean is, I peed a little.

But enough with the chit chat. How was it? Well usually I don’t like to toot my own horn, but in the words of my favorite statutory rapist, R. Kelly,

Baby gimme that toot toot
Lemme give you that beep beep

Hot damn, that ignition song still be banging kid. Oh right so about this pudding. MAKE IT YOU MUST. I ain’t playin’ son. This pudding was pretty much the exact replica of the banana pudding I had in NY, meaning: one, my life is now complete; and two, I’m gonna need a bigger jar.

Oh and by the way, check out my super ghetto trifle dish:

It’s comprised of two parts: an inverted cake stand cover, and an open jar which I converted into the base. I swear, when it comes to saving $12 for a trifle dish, my DNA somehow causes me to transform into some Asian McGuyver. I may not be good at math, tennis, or the violin, but I’ll be damned if I ain’t cheap. Yellow people…gotta love ‘em.

Magnolia Bakery’s Famous Banana Pudding

Recipe from More From Magnolia by Allysa Torey

• 1 (14-ounce) can sweetened condensed milk
• 1 1/2 cups ice cold water
• 1 (3.4-ounce) package instant vanilla pudding mix (preferably Jell-O brand)
• 3 cups heavy cream
• 1 (12-ounce) box Nabisco Nilla Wafers
• 4 cups sliced ripe bananas

1. In a small bowl, on the medium speed of an electric mixer, beat together the sweetened condensed milk and water until well combined, about 1 minute. Add the pudding mix and beat well, about 2 minutes more. Cover and refrigerate for 3-4 hours or overnight, before continuing. It is very important to allow the proper amount of time for the pudding mixture to set.
2. In a large bowl, on the medium speed of an electric mixer, whip the heavy cream until stiff peaks form. Gently fold the pudding mixture into the whipped cream until well blended and no streaks of pudding remain.
3. To assemble the dessert, select a large, wide bowl (preferably glass) with a 4-5-quart capacity. Arrange one-third of the wafers to cover the bottom of the bowl, overlapping if necessary, then one-third of the bananas and one-third of the pudding. Repeat the layering twice more, garnishing with additional wafers or wafer crumbs on the top layer of the pudding. Cover tightly with plastic wrap and allow to chill in the refrigerator for 4 hours – or up to 8 hours, but no longer! – before serving.

BLF Jar

Ever since I made the move to Houston approximately two weeks ago, I’ve slowly but surely morphed into Jabba the Hutt. With that said, here are just a few of my newest friends:

1. Chocolate
2. This couch I’m sitting on
3. Elastic waistbands

Now anyone who knows me, knows that I love to workout. There’s really nothing more satisfying than looking at yourself in the mirror after you’ve completed a nice long 6 mile run and seeing your body drenched in so much sweat it’s as if you held a gun to Snooki’s head and told her to spell the word “colloquial.”

However, as been the case for 10 out of the past 14 days, when you fill your stomach with 8 month old chocolate easter eggs, frozen mini cheesecakes, and freshly purchased chocolate truffles your grandma bought you because she secretly wants you to die young, that sense of accomplishment you get after a nice long workout can easily be replaced with a sense of lethargy you get from sitting on a couch.

So in order to counteract my newfound Kevin Federline-esque body, I’ve created what’s called a “Bad little fatty” jar. Let me explain. The rules are simple: abide by the rules as laid out in the BLF jar contract. If said rules are broken, I must forfeit $1 to the BLF jar for every violation. Those profits will then be used to pay for various household expenses.

Genius? Yes. Brilliant? Quite possibly. Muffin top cure-all? Dear God, let’s hope so.

So now the question is: Will my fatty side batter and deep fry my cheap Asian side? Only time will tell. So as a new addition to the bakin asian food blog, every Saturday I will update you, my readers, on the contents of the BLF jar so you can follow along in my weight loss journey. I will also be taking applications for those that would be willing to allow a pudgy and desperate Asian girl crash on their couch sometime in the near future since I have a feeling I’m gonna be broke and homeless by the end of this experiment.

Now if you’ll excuse me, I have to go to the bank soon to get me some singles to prepare myself for the strip club this BLF jar ownage. Oh, and if you ever see me reaching for a cookie, or anything else that is highly caloric and delicious, please feel free to yell out, “Bad little fatty!” and slap me on the hand if you’re a woman or on the butt if you’re a man.

This just in: 2 seconds ago my aunt walked in with a box of Andes mints and pecan pralines because my grandma told her that I liked candy. These events occurred even after I begged and pleaded with my grandma just one week ago to not buy me any more chocolates or sweets.

I don’t know why she hates me so.

Dear Christina

Dear Christina Tosi,

You are my hero. I’m not sure how you do it, but somehow you manage to make my heart sing with your cookie creations at Momofuku Milk Bar. I mean who in their right mind would come up with a cookie that has both cornflakes, marshmallows, and chocolate chips? You. That’s who.

For this reason, I feel that I should let you know that I will most likely stalk you. Please do not be scared. There may be times where you might see a 23 year old Asian girl hiding up in a tree with binoculars wrapped around her neck peering inside your kitchen window, but I assure you that you should not be alarmed. It’s just me.

One day, you might even find yourself abducted and thrown into a van. Again, it’s imperative though that you do not be alarmed. That’s just me, too. But to ease your fears, I just want to reiterate that I will not hurt you. All I will do is lock you in the basement with nothing but an oven and the necessary baking ingredients to make this cookie. Please do your best to comply with my wishes.

I hope you understand that this is nothing personal. I am just an avid fan who admires you greatly and is not afraid to do time for aggravated kidnapping. With that said, I humbly request you refrain from filing a restraining order before said kidnapping occurs. I just want your cookies.

Sincerely,
Your future stalker and abductor, Sarah “Please don’t arrest me kind and gentle policemen, this post is just a joke” Kuo

Here’s to you grandmama

Now that I’ve been living with my Grandma for a good week or so, I’ve discovered three important facts about 83 year old Chinese women that I feel everyone should know:

1. They love their Chinese dramas. In fact if I decided to drop dead right this second, I’m pretty sure my grandma would try and find a good stopping point first before she dialed 911.

2. They have no filter when it comes to seeing obese people on TV. Case in point, just two seconds ago while I was watching iCarly on Nickelodeon (purely for scientific purposes, and not for my own pleasure of course), a bride appeared on the show that was a wee bit hefty. As soon as my grandma caught sight of said bride, she instantly stopped in her tracks and in a Tourettes like fashion yelled out “waaah, so fat!” in Chinese. Then, when the chunky bride ran across the room to kiss her chunky husband, she had yet another outburst as she screamed “Waaa!  They’re both fat!” Thereby proving that I can never allow my grandma to step foot into any CiCi’s, lest I leave the establishment with both shame and embarrassment.

3. If you politely decline eating their freshly cut papaya, prepare yourself for World War III. I did it about 10 minutes ago, and I got the most disgusted and hateful face that I have ever received in all of my 23 years of existence. Note to self: next time, EAT THE DAMN PAPAYA SARAH.

With that said, here’s some pictures of a muffin; more specifically, the baker’s muffin from City Bakery:

It is quite possibly the best muffin I have ever consumed, solely because of the fact that it is comprised of hundreds of cinnamon dusted nuggets of ecstacy much like the one seen in the picture below:

..so what does this muffin have to do with my 83 year old Asian grandma exactly? Absolutely nothing. That woman just cracks me up.

I loves her.

FML

Today I’m going to take a little break from my regularly scheduled programming to tell you kids a story.

It all started on the day of Friday, October 8th. There I was, sitting in my cubicle watching a sexual harassment training video to see what I could and could not get away with, when all of a sudden one of the senior managers from my team wandered over to my desk.

For all of you who don’t know, a senior manager is a pretty big deal in the accounting world. It’s basically one step below director, and two steps below partner. In layman’s terms, if this were the Jonas brothers, the partner would be Nick, the director would be Joe, and the manager would be the one with the fro. We all on the same page now? Good. Then on with the story.

So after this senior manager, who I should point out is of male gender, wandered over to my desk, he soon caught sight of my iPhone. He then proceeded to ask me what iPhone apps I had on my phone, since it sounded like he wanted some recommendations. I then proceeded to go down my list of apps, when he interrupted to ask if he could just thumb through my apps himself. After agreeing to his request, I then gave him my iPhone for him to play around with to his heart’s delight.

It was only then, that he asked: “What’s P Tracker lite?”

I then quickly responded with an “I really don’t think you wanna open that”, knowing full well what those contents contained. Apparently though, I was too late, for the senior manager had already opened the app; where he was quickly confronted with this:

….

……….

………………..

Oh. Dear. God.

He then busted out with an emphatic “WHOOOAAAAAA” and quickly handed me the phone as I sat there, unable to breathe, because of my hysterical fits of laughter at this extremely uncomfortable and awkward moment. He then started to laugh as well, all the while trying to find the words to say, but all he could come up with was “I just – yeah…that was just – yeah…let’s just – yeah”. After 4 more attempts of trying to get more than 3 strings of words out in one breath, he then threw his hands up in defeat and just walked away.

Thus concluding the most embarrassing and hysterical moment of my life.